torsdag 16. september 2010

Living in fear

I haven't really considered the fact that fear is something I struggle with quite a lot. I've just watched the second half of a documentary called "My Breasts Could Kill Me" with Dawn Porter. Her mum died of breast cancer when she was in her thirties, and Dawn had cameras following her as she went through various exams to check her own risk and met cancer pasients, cancer survivors and their next of kin. And it scared me shitless. My gran had breast cancer when she was in her thirties, and though she didn't die from it, she had a mastectomy. Later on she had four (or was it five?) more rounds of cancer as it spread throughout her body. She died when I was 6, and she 62. She had cancer of the brain. Rather a few of her nine siblings have also had various types of cancer. My mum found a breast lump when she too was in her thirties. It turned out to be benign. But still...

The thing is, though I've been aware of my fear of cancer before, it only just hit me today how deep that fear is. I'm absolutely terrified of finding a lump, and thus don't really check myself. Even more so now that I have a child. What would I do if i found something? What if I die? It's probably quite irrational. But I do need to follow in Dawn Porter's footsteps. I need to find out.

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